Archive for September, 2008

Pretty vacant

Posted in air traffic control, atc, food, Humour, life, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2008 by norvenmunky

This morning was one of those ‘Operating to a negative schedule’ days. Mickeys big hand was still upstairs cleening teeth, as we should have been schedulewise, expediting, through the door. We were also operating with a negative surplus in the sandwich filling section, who’s on time delivery schedule had slipped yesterday afternoon, in the chaos that was yesterday, the afternoon. This meant that we went to the sandwich shop in the village, the only sandwich filler in the village, there’s nice for you.

Realising the potential to regain previous losses on mickeys boat race, and make rapid advances towards regaining the programme, both smaller Nm’s made their sandwich filling choice, in advance of landing on Planet Sandwich. Its a lovely little place mind, good quality sarnies and popular in the village. Taking our place in the line of aircrew style at the slant hard hats, hi vis vests and bum cracks, a young lady enquired as to what we would like. Ooh fast efficient service I thought, Nm Mk1 says ‘Tuna and mayo please’, to which the lady gives me one of those penetrating looks of bovine docility, and says in a monotone automaton styley ‘That’ll be £1.95’. Fine I says, and ever so slowly movement occured, after it sunk in that she, A) Makes roll, B) hands it over, and then C) the punter pays for it …

Now Mk1 is normal ‘medium child’ size, and lady gets hold of a roll that JC may have picked up too, thinking along the lines of, ‘That’ll come in handy, where’s the fish? The Guvner of the shop looks at Mk1, roll, and suggests ‘smaller rolls are available’ to which lady now looks at food prep bench to see ‘Rolls, Lardy Arsed builders, Not for the use of’ sitting not 6 inches or indeed 15cm from her workstation. Having completed the initial tasking of sourceing from stores the components for the roll, she had now assembled them, then packaged it, and in effect shipped it. Well, placed it on the glass counter anyway.

Nm Mk2 now steps up to the plate, as the spams say I believe, and declares she wants a ham and chive roll. The eyes now changed from those deep brown bovine type orbs to more of a lychee dipped in beetroot juice look. Clearly this request was a step too far, ham appeared to be available, either in centimetre chunks or waffer thin slices, but these ‘chives’ that the devil child spoke of, perhaps they were diced hoody wearing muppets, clearly however, ‘we’ were out of stock.
‘Oh, we’ll just have egg then please’
‘Sliced?’,
‘No, crushed please, they release the flavour slower that way’ …

Having paid and looking at mickeys big hand which was clearly in a period of regression again we QFO’ed to the car. Normally Mk1 gets dropped off at a mates house, but this time the release point would be closer to the day pens. Squeals of ‘ohh its not down here’ as NM took a route not associated with the DZ. Mk1 had forgotten that NM has a Analogue Navigation And Location memory facility, commonly know as ‘remembering shit’, and once shown a back passage rarely forgets it.

Once the drop at the DZ was complete it was off to the next village to drop Mk2 and her egg sandwiches, crushed, (yes I did keep a straight face as they were prepared), on an unsupecting primary school in middle England. Roll on lunchtime …

Oh and if you’re wondering about yesterday afternoon, it wasn’t me, I never touched nuffink.

Looking for Goddo

Posted in bbc, Humour, life, media with tags , , , , , on September 23, 2008 by norvenmunky

It appears from the web stats that lots and lots of people have been looking for Mr George Michael esq. I can not so exclusively reveal he’s been in the Kharzi. Not as some may erroneously think up to his back wheels inside a prominent ‘Third world’ leader, but in fact, in the bog.

Don’t let the sun go down on me

Posted in Humour, life, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on September 21, 2008 by norvenmunky

Apparently George Michael has been arrested with crack cocaine …

Take it to the limit

Posted in dogs, ebay, Humour, internet shopping, life, pets, photography, shoes, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on September 17, 2008 by norvenmunky

Ebay’s a fascinating place, with lots of ‘stuff’ on offer. A good friend of mine advised several of us that he had found Faux leather dog boots for sale. He’s still not put his hand up to what he was actually looking for when he stumbled across this little gem, but we’ll let that pass.

So with the natural inability of the usual ebayer to write sentences or use fings like gramma the undoubted target market is to attract the urbane urbanites, shaved head, mouth breather, vacant look, IQ of around 55. Parents no prettier. You’ve seen them.

Apparently then, if you have a dog, you need:
Description:
Durable and breathable Small Protective Pet Dog Boots Leather Booties Shoes
Your pet will be the hottest dog on the street when she steps out in these cool, stylish Protective Dog Boots.

It is of course reassuring to know that these are destined for bitches, it seems somehow ‘right’. None of your ‘gangsta’ bling Ridgebacks will be wearing these this season …

With Velcro straps, making the Dog Boots very easy to put on.
The Velcro assisting with holding Fifi down whilst the fake leather is wrestled on the end of her little pins.
Fashion Dog Boots Shoes to make sure your pooch looks smart and cute,
Hmm… see ‘fun’ photo shoot later, if you ‘re not worried by now, you bloody well should be.

With deluxe anti-slip rubber sole,
So, dogs, and anti-slip rubber specified, even the Welsh sheep are beginning to look uneasy, glancing in each others ears, almost as if they hold some gungy, black, waxy muck to be responsible for the flow of obscene possibilities that’s beginning to reach their brains.

For ‘fun’ Photo-shoot sessions. Sure to bring you lots of fun and laughters.
Material: Faux leather
Package set of 4

You just want to steer well clear of anyone offering to show you pictures of their ‘fun photo shoot’ bitch sessions. Next thing you know they’ll be offering to re-paint your garage door by the River Mimram, with some naked bint and a pack of four! Despite the entreprenurial nature of the offer and discounts galore for bulk orders, they’ve missed a trick to supply three packs for all those run over rescue home mutts.

One is also advised to
Please measure your dog’s paws before ordering.
The last thing you want is the wrong size turning up, conversely of course that exactly what the bleedin dog is hoping for.
How to measure
1. Place a paper underneath the front paws (the front paws are usually bigger than the back paws so it will be fine doing just that).

And just in case you’re still not sure, the front ones are down a bit from the hole with the sharp pointy white bits in it, that smells like a dogs bum, and the back ones are underneath that neat strawberry coloured starfish with a brush next to it, that smells like a dogs bum.

2. Outline the paw with a pen (including nails).
From this instruction you rather get the idea that fido has got a bit fecked off with the procedure, if by this time you are having to nail the bloody dog to the floor to draw round its feet.

Have to admit I’m still intrigued as to whether he was looking for a fake leather dog though …