Archive for November, 2008

Steamy Windows

Posted in dogs, Humour, life, Uncategorized with tags , , , on November 24, 2008 by norvenmunky

window

 

So, having got back from the pub, completely mullered, you know the feeling, ‘next time that bed comes past, I’m going to get on the bastard’, .. one ‘retired’ for the evening. All well and good apart from at about three o’clock in the morning the incontinence gauge had crept up to the right hand side of the dial and is now indicating ‘F’. Bleary eyed it’s oh so easy to forget that the resident house guardian, (self apponted), a seven stone female Dobermann, blessed with the intelligence of a Dalston doorman, has forgotton you’re guest for the night. It also appears to be ‘that time’ for her, and I don’t mean three o’clock in the morning. This she indicates by emitting a low growling noise, which gets louder the further the door is edged open. So Sunday morning at about half past three you’re now faced with bluffing the dog, if that doesn’t work its going to get fecking noisy at the very least as you and the dog get into a territorial discussion over the hallway leading to the bog. It’s now the very real choice of the equivalent of a knife fight in a corridor with a full bladder, or having a piss out the bedroom window. The real downside of the dogging option is obviously being caught wrestling a dog, (not for the first time …), with a piss shaped map of Africa spreading across your groin or the carpet, depending on who blinks first. You, or the dog. Discretion overcomes valour, and the window’s gently cracked open.

Now the window. Having not been opened for a while, lets out a high pitched squeal as its forced open, and dog growls having now relocated to the other side of the door, just to let you know you ain’t goin anywhere. Least of all without a bloody good scrap, and all this whilst you’re hopping madly from one foot to the other. It seems like the whole world is now in some bizzare HD slo-motion replay sequence, with the inevitable it’ll all end in tears outcome, no longer a ghostly apparition in your mind, but a very real possibility.  Having made that decision, the window, (blokes will know this), there’s no going back, ‘the operation is on’, the window is ‘it’. ENDEX .  An attempt to abort this chosen course of action will only leave a sodden trail between you and the door, quite simply, you won’t make it.

The immediate relief of the stream getting under full flow is beyond description, only the true disciples will know that sheer bliss, whilst acknowledging simultaneously that in the words of Jeffrerson Starship, ‘Nothings going to stop us now’. Of course the risk of being discovered just adds to that hightened state of euphoria, which rapidly turned to blind panic as the sound turns to that of a hose pipe on a metal dustbin some ten feet below. Feck! feck! feck!, no amount of changing angle or attempt to increase or decrease flow rate makes any difference, as it appears they either own several dustbins or a very large one. The din at that time in the morning sounds as though someone is using a kango outside the front door and at least one neighbours dog is already barking its head off  This state of terror lasts for about a minute, the terror of being found full flow, pissing out the window by either the host, or a neighbour doesn’t bare thinking about, and dealing with the dog is now seeming like it would have been the better option by far. Fortunately all goes well, no one wakes apart from two dogs, and the mission success rate is doubled about two hours later when at five the backpressure has again reached break point, this time coming much quicker as you ‘know’ there is an easy solution, open the window and hope that the acoustics of a piss ten feet or so onto a metal dustbin will go unnoticed again.

Well of course it does go unnoticed, and peace and love, you’ve got away with it. At half nine bleary eyed and sitting around the kitchin table the bar room stories are being recalled from the night before, and the room begins to get an odd but recogniseable whiff about it, You can see peoples noses beginning to twitch, the bloody dog starting the ball rolling. Its not long before the whole room is full of the stench of a wino’s underpants as the air con unit attached to the outside of the house kicks into full Auto …

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Leap of Faith

Posted in air traffic control, atc, life, media, Ryanair FR4102, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on November 16, 2008 by norvenmunky
Ryanair FR4102 at Rome Ciampino

Ryanair FR4102 at Rome Ciampino

I imagine thats what the crew of Ryanairs FR4102 flight had on the 10th November, when they ‘arrived’ at Romes Ciampino airport. Reading various comments on the interweb I think of all the Microsoft  Bird Control Unit officers, (you know on the add on Microsoft FS98 that no-one buys),  who must be now polishing their Purdy Over and Under 410’s and their ‘Scarecrows’,  I can see em lining up at the threshold pointing their Scarecrow at a flock of Lapwings and drawling those immortal Bird scaring lines …

‘This is a ten second recording of a Lapwing in distress’ “Did I play six seconds or only five? I’ve forgotten in all this excitement but this is a 98 Scarecrow Bioacoustics Premier 1500, the most powerful birdscarer in the world, it will blow your ears clean off and you have to ask yourself one question, do I feel lucky?”

The Lapwings, dense and arrogant bastards that they are, will pay cock all attention to the sound, acoustics experts and Spinal Tap fans will note this system is so powerful that they can’t even be @rsed to number it, see sound level below …

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Cut to highly technical interview on the shitepump …
BBC Bint: So this is what you use? Is it very loud? As loud as a small child?
BCU: Well, it’s louder, isn’t it? It’s not ten. You see, most BCU’s, you know, will be playing at ten. You’re on max here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you’re on max on your scarer. Where can you go from there? Where?
BBC Bint: I don’t know.
BCU: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
BBC Bint: Put it up to max.
BCU: Max. Exactly. One louder.
BBC Bint: Why don’t you just make ten louder and make max be the top number and make that a little louder?
BCU: [pause] These go to max.

 

One of our wisest keyboard BCU officers declared of Roman starlings that:

‘I was surprised to see enormous flocks of Starlings winging about above the city in a completely unpredictable fashion.’ 

No doubt raising eyebrows amongst twitchers worldwide that Starlings, by inference, will fly in a predictable fashion, presumably if you pay em enough and offer a prime time slot with Bill oddie or Kate Humble on Autumn watch. ( My guess is Kates slot would get the thumbs up every time …).

Another commented

‘I am no expert in the dynamics of bird flattening, but those splats seem rather big for starlings !’ 

It’s a cracking opener though, warning the reader that they’re likely to be exposed to an uninformed opinion on a technical subject. Perhaps if he’d spent some time throwing Starlings at 150mph at solid objects, or hammering them to a table top, he’d be better placed to advise us on the structural strength of the Sturnus Vulgaris, or of the fluid dynamics of their contents when applied with ‘force’ to one of Mr Boeings finest. Obviously he’s never dropped a bottle of milk … (NB. Readers, please don’t try ‘Starling nailing’ at home, I’m in enough shite for the Free Bird post).

Then another eager poster suggests:

Does Italy have a bird control policy in place, around the airports? If they did, perhaps this incident may have been averted. Just a thought…’

The first thought that occurs is that the bloke is seriously trying to suggest you can control a bird, he almost certainly spends too much time at the PC, alone. Even Berg knows that you need more than Trill and Ouzo. Well if he’d read some of the preceeding 16 pages, it appears that in Rome Starlings are allowed to fly in an unpredictable fashion in the city, (just like their drivers really), so can you imagine trying to teach or encourage Starlings, least of all Italian  Starlings to conform to anything? even with Kates slot on offer …

 

Reading such informed ramblings leaves me with a very definite reminder of one of the finest pieces of political drivel ever heard since I was on holiday at the time:

As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
Yes, a Boeing 737 had a bird strike on landing.

We also know
There are known unknowns.

That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
Yes, what actually happened.

But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don’t know
We don’t know.
That’ll be a good reason for an investigation then.

For the record I don’t think that Ciampino’s BCU will be found wanting, having actually spent time with them. Some Italian regional and national Government policy departments may well need to hide the Swiss cheese though…

And I do hope that nice Mr O’leary takes the crew fer a pint at the very least, they dun good!

Dr Feelgood

Posted in Humour, life, Uncategorized with tags , on November 7, 2008 by norvenmunky

A man walks into the doctors and says

Doctor doctor, I think I’m going deaf!

Doc What are the symptoms?

A yellow American cartoon family …

 

I’ll get me coat