Steamy Windows

window

 

So, having got back from the pub, completely mullered, you know the feeling, ‘next time that bed comes past, I’m going to get on the bastard’, .. one ‘retired’ for the evening. All well and good apart from at about three o’clock in the morning the incontinence gauge had crept up to the right hand side of the dial and is now indicating ‘F’. Bleary eyed it’s oh so easy to forget that the resident house guardian, (self apponted), a seven stone female Dobermann, blessed with the intelligence of a Dalston doorman, has forgotton you’re guest for the night. It also appears to be ‘that time’ for her, and I don’t mean three o’clock in the morning. This she indicates by emitting a low growling noise, which gets louder the further the door is edged open. So Sunday morning at about half past three you’re now faced with bluffing the dog, if that doesn’t work its going to get fecking noisy at the very least as you and the dog get into a territorial discussion over the hallway leading to the bog. It’s now the very real choice of the equivalent of a knife fight in a corridor with a full bladder, or having a piss out the bedroom window. The real downside of the dogging option is obviously being caught wrestling a dog, (not for the first time …), with a piss shaped map of Africa spreading across your groin or the carpet, depending on who blinks first. You, or the dog. Discretion overcomes valour, and the window’s gently cracked open.

Now the window. Having not been opened for a while, lets out a high pitched squeal as its forced open, and dog growls having now relocated to the other side of the door, just to let you know you ain’t goin anywhere. Least of all without a bloody good scrap, and all this whilst you’re hopping madly from one foot to the other. It seems like the whole world is now in some bizzare HD slo-motion replay sequence, with the inevitable it’ll all end in tears outcome, no longer a ghostly apparition in your mind, but a very real possibility.  Having made that decision, the window, (blokes will know this), there’s no going back, ‘the operation is on’, the window is ‘it’. ENDEX .  An attempt to abort this chosen course of action will only leave a sodden trail between you and the door, quite simply, you won’t make it.

The immediate relief of the stream getting under full flow is beyond description, only the true disciples will know that sheer bliss, whilst acknowledging simultaneously that in the words of Jeffrerson Starship, ‘Nothings going to stop us now’. Of course the risk of being discovered just adds to that hightened state of euphoria, which rapidly turned to blind panic as the sound turns to that of a hose pipe on a metal dustbin some ten feet below. Feck! feck! feck!, no amount of changing angle or attempt to increase or decrease flow rate makes any difference, as it appears they either own several dustbins or a very large one. The din at that time in the morning sounds as though someone is using a kango outside the front door and at least one neighbours dog is already barking its head off  This state of terror lasts for about a minute, the terror of being found full flow, pissing out the window by either the host, or a neighbour doesn’t bare thinking about, and dealing with the dog is now seeming like it would have been the better option by far. Fortunately all goes well, no one wakes apart from two dogs, and the mission success rate is doubled about two hours later when at five the backpressure has again reached break point, this time coming much quicker as you ‘know’ there is an easy solution, open the window and hope that the acoustics of a piss ten feet or so onto a metal dustbin will go unnoticed again.

Well of course it does go unnoticed, and peace and love, you’ve got away with it. At half nine bleary eyed and sitting around the kitchin table the bar room stories are being recalled from the night before, and the room begins to get an odd but recogniseable whiff about it, You can see peoples noses beginning to twitch, the bloody dog starting the ball rolling. Its not long before the whole room is full of the stench of a wino’s underpants as the air con unit attached to the outside of the house kicks into full Auto …

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