Hoovering Slugs

Oovah Killa

Oova Killa

Now, most of NM’s readers will be thinking what album has he dredged that title up from? Well you can check all your albums, but I’m fairly certain that even in the depths of Jonesy’s renowned ‘Prog Rock’ collection there isn’t, a ‘Hoovering Slugs’ track.

Now, I know its not two words you’d normally expect to find in the same sentence, but blokes, will already be curious at just the title, and I can see the thought patterns already developing, ‘I wonder if you can …’ etc etc. Wimmin will needlessly have passed it by thinking ‘that’s just stupid’.

Well NM has been left as ‘OIC’ NM Villa, for a couple of days as the gerls lay seige to the wastes of Norven Norfumberland. NM has of course been given his usual instructions, and ROE.
A/ Feed Rabbit.
B/ Don’t Kill It.
C/ Keep The House Tidy.
D/ Don’t Kill The Rabbit.
E/ Bring The Rabbit in at night.
F/ Don’t Kill The Rabbit.
G/ Ring Me If There’s Any Problems
H/ I Can’t Remember If I’ve Mentioned It, But Don’t Kill The Rabbit.

Now all this is relatively straightforward, all I have to do is not kill the rabbit, and feed it. Oh, and keep the ‘drum’, ‘tidy’. Tidy of course, is open to interpretation. The rabbit is officially a ‘hard bastard’, next week it’s got an hours worth of prime time on SKY+1 TV’s ‘UK’s Hardest Rabbits’, It’s the programme right after the 45 minute special ‘Fern Brittain, Follows Through’.

‘UK’s Hardest Rabbits’, is a show where an ‘L’ list hard man celeb, parades around various hutches interviewing nutter rabbits, using an ‘east end’ mockney eshdury accent. At the end of the show he goes all moist eyed, as the rabbit donates a half chewed carrot as a memento of ‘Vair time twogevva’. Anyway, capturing said rabbit usually involves more swearing than reviving a half naked unconcious airline ops occifer, face down in an Amsterdam hotel bedroom, having ‘passed out’ watching ‘telly’. The only minor benefit being the rabbit isn’t likely to take your eye out when you roll it over.

Having eventually trapped said rabbit, and brought it into the kitchen prior to releasing it to its ‘indoor quarters’ in the conservatory. NM realises that the assorted hay, grass, rabbit shite, and a tiny, tiny slug about 1.5cm in length, strewn across the rug, will likely end up in a ‘My Office, Your Hat!’ type interview with Mrs NM if its not sorted. Fortuitously (theoretically) there’s a Hoover standing in the corner of the conservatory. That’ll do to clean up, NM thinks, in a lucid, alchohol free, bloke, type moment. Now, the ‘cleaning’ starts, small bits of grass, hay, rabbit pooh all easily dissapear from NM’s gaze as the Hoover relentlessly churns its way across the rug. Suddenly, the slug catches NM’s eye. It’s tiny, (1.5cm), that’ll go up, spiders, small stones do etc. Blokes can see the logic can’t you? Blokes are nodding, wimmin are saying, ‘No’. ‘You’d hoover a stone or a spider, but never, a slug’. Well, Mr Hoovers products are very good, ssschlooopp, and, as if by magic, the slug has gone, ‘Yay!’, none of that paper, prod, poke, throw out the door shite for me!, sorted! Carry on, only a foot or so left.

Well, that last foot may as well have been Captain Oates’ last walk. The Hoover indeed took its time, about 15 secs or so and it started to whine, worse, than a Chilean red. There was a wisp of smoke, and a smell of burning that had NM retching, staggering, to reach the ‘OFF’ button.
Now, I have no idea why slugs don’t ‘hoover’, small insects will, small stones, screw’s, nails etc. etc. will, but slugs, don’t.
Ask a lady friend:
‘Would you hoover a spider/stone/screw?’
Answer, ‘Yes’.
Ask them ‘Would you hoover a tiny tiny slug?’
Answer, ‘No’

Fellow blokes, take this as an advanced warning. I now have to explain why the previously servicable Hoover, isn’t. I also have to provide a plausible reason as to why I ever thought that hoovering a slug, was ever, ever, a good idea.

The really, really, bad news is that the rabbits female, and afterwards, on bringing her into the conservatory, she sniffed the air and gave me a look that said:
‘WTF have you been up to? Hoovering slugs or summink?’

Lads, I need your help …


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