Archive for media

You’re own worst enemy

Posted in Humour, life, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 26, 2008 by norvenmunky

Vitamin \'T\', yesterday

Yup that time in wee wee hours when you really should be in bed, or working, (you know, filing flight plans, you idle bastards), but find yourself drawn to the quieter corners of the interweb and reading the ‘trivia’ sections of forums.

Here you’ll find the quaintly titled threads, ‘currently drinking’, etc with all the bonhomie of the regular posters, contributing with the same eager desperation as the bloke at the back of the bog queue who’s ‘touching cloth’, and anxiously hopping foot to foot.

So no great surprise to locate a thread entitled, ‘currently inserting’. Having exhausted the ‘listening to’, ‘eating’, ‘drinking’, ‘riding’, ‘watching’, ‘licking’ et al genres, our bold cyber heroes have now found a new sport to amuse themselves with.

Cue the Youchoob vids. Gaggles of strange shirted men, wearing chino trousers all frenetically shaking their cans of ‘Vitamin T’ before the ‘chosen one’ gets to have inserted, forcefully, as far as I could make out, a single 500ml blue bomber. Needless to say this Vitamin ‘T’ enema seems a particularly effective way of cutting out the ‘middle man’ so to speak, no longer do you even have to brave the tinny, Alclad, taste of the yellow muck.

Judging appears to consist of marks for ‘plume’, ‘coverage’, ‘color’, and last but not least, ‘distance’. Its a brave person mind, though clearly a very close friend of the participants, whom has the unenviable task of ‘ring pulling’ from the gaggle of upturned bums, bobbing away like peaches, in a fairground game bucket.  Sou’Wester clad and ducking the plumes of golden foam our chino wearing hero, skillfully weaves his way through the participants. The view from the shoreline looks as though a small but perfectly formed school of Minke Whales, has come up for air, simultaneously venting, as one.

Still the opportunity to get out in the fresh air will be a real treat for some, the usual habitat being a clapped out van, usually a Ford Transit, blacked out windows, with a piss stained mattress and empty beer cans in the back.

That reminds me, it’s nearly half way through the year and Ruke and myself haven’t spent a soiree, in a mountain layby fending off Dolgellau’s resident ‘canine’ experts. We must see to that again soon.

Next week we’ll be back at BAe Dynamics Hatfield, with ‘I’m currently nailing mine to a …’

 

Business as usual

Posted in Humour, life, modelling, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on March 16, 2008 by norvenmunky

Indeed the latest frenzy of forum sleb’s makes me wonder if we’ll see a revised form of TV game show ‘Forum fishing’. In this crack, new,  game show, the two nominated hobby ‘slebs’ go to an exhibition with the suckiest, most enthusiastic, of the forum feeders, contestants. The cam follows them around the show where the ‘slebs’ can show their knowledge and social skills as they parade, unhindered by backpack wearing stoats, through the ailles between the layouts, trade and demo’s. They’re stalked, accompanied by the three players, who have to hang on every word as they will form the later questions. The contestants get time to eat with their muses, heroes,  feasting on the delights of exhibition catering, before the ‘show’ begins. The contestants of course are kept a respectable distance away, so as not to indulge in any unhinged, faux-seductive moves, on their victims, of the type tried in nightclubs by pissed stoats in a misguided attempt to secure some floor sweepings before the ugly lights come on.

At the appointed hour the forum will open with an on-line vid cam interview, free of charge of course, coz the nets free innit? Dan Winterland, our ever genial host will provide the link between our ‘slebs’ and players, knowing full well the indolent quarry of the audience will be at home covered in Aphrodite’s evostick, having been surfing advertisements for limited edition ‘releases’ on the shit pump.

Our ‘game’ contestants then, each issued with an elbow length Marigold and half tin of Swarfega, are sat next to a box, not unlike a confessional cubicle, with the ‘sleb’ one side,  prepared to be the wheelbarrow, rather than the earthy chap pushing it from behind, and on the other, in arm’s reach, the players. Each get their chance to identify the ‘sleb’, by searching  for familiar exhibition fare, whilst gurning and muttering under their breath. Detailed, timed questions, relayed expertly by Dan on the ‘slebs’ specialist subject are asked, meanwhilst the players attempt to expertly shovel the steaming dung, (with their free hand), into a bucket.

Prizes will include, amongst other goodies, replacement watches.