Archive for motoring

Shot Down in Flames

Posted in canon, Darwin Awards, Humour, insurance, life, photography, Uncategorized, Zoo with tags , , , , , on September 6, 2010 by norvenmunky

'Management' UK PLc

Today NM has been ‘painting da house’ in a literal sense. Those of you who’ve been here know the top of ‘da house’ is a long way up. To get to the top of the house one needs ladders (plural), or one fecking huge one. NM chose the latter which was delivered today by a cheery bastard, whom as he unloaded them said ‘It’s a nice day for it’, clearly not having a scooby as to what ‘it’ was for NM for the remainder of the day. NM just looked at him with his best ‘sandwich filler’ killer look as he then asked what job NM was going to do with them. NM nodded backwards to the house, and wrote that he understood that:

A/ NM should carry the ladders so the ends were ‘high enough to clear other peoples heads’.
B/ When carrying it NM should remember the ‘overhang’ in front and behind him.
C/ The temptation to look down should be resisted.
D/ NM shouldn’t erect it in a high wind.
E/ NM was not to forget the basic rule, ‘One man, One ladder’.
Nm was now unsure as to whether he was signed up as an extra for a Laurel and Hardy movie or Mad Max Beyond the Thunderdome,

‘Two Ladders Enter, One Ladder leaves’ …

Seeing the paint tub, the gable end and the ladder (or film contract I’d just signed), his cogs engaged. ‘Kinell, rather you than me’ was the wisdom he imparted as he QFO’ed, en route to deliver a cement mixer to someone whom would be wondering if they thought he was going to be making ‘Italian diving boots’, as he signed the consent form. Ta, ta a lot.

It got NM thinking about a few things though, recently, NM having an interest in photography came across an interweb thread about the latest Canon upgrade to the 400mm F2.8. If you don’t know what they are, they are the big grey dustbin sized lens’ that you often see sports snappers use. There were a number of posts along the liners of ‘ooh its expensive’ (£11k GBP), ‘Thats crazy money. Surely they will drop sharpley in a few months when they stop being “new”. Still, that puts the 400mm 2.8 at £1500 more then the 800mm 5.6’ and, ‘They’ve reduced its weight by 1.5kg ‘What’s 1.5kgs less when you’re still humping 3.8 kgs around’. You do have to wonder which solar sytem they inhabit if you understand what the lens is about and the pro end of the markets technical requirements.

'Window lickers' Move on, nothing to see here ...

Posts like those make me think of monkeys at the zoo. It’s like offering the monkeys Tesco ‘Value’ peanuts, or KP’s finest and asking for an informed opinion on their respective merits. We all know they’d make cock all difference to the monkeys as they’d still be sticking them up their @rses not appreciating that ‘KP is committed to selling only the best quality products, this is why we are the UK’s favourite nut brand’. It’s a bit like watching foamers debate which is best, Ferrari or Porsche, and you just know the closest they’ve ever got to one is licking the windows at HR Owens and watching endless repeats of Top Gear on ‘Dave’ …

The other day at Asda, NM and the till assistant were left almost speechless at the Asda management ability to over engineer the simplest of processes for security purposes, and render it utterly worthless as part of the same process. If there were ‘Darwin Awards’ for management policies this would likely be a strong contender. Feel free to send your Darwin Management Awards in, there’s no prizes, least of all for the mangers concerned …

Our Asda has a pay to park, ( no issue with that), take the parking ticket refund stub in and get a refund after spending ‘X’, beer tokens. ( we’re probably all on the same page at this point). Pay at till for goods.
Asda bloke at till says: ‘Would you like parking taken off bill or cash refund?’
NM ‘Cash please’
Asda bloke ‘Ahh you need to go to customer services, they do the cash, I can’t give you the cash, I’m not allowed to open the till if you’re paying by card for security reasons’
NM (seeing huge queue of ‘Neds’ waiting to buy fags), ‘Fair enuff, take it off the bill please’
Asda bloke ‘OK sorry about that etc’ takes stub, swipes it, completes card transaction, and, as if by magic, the till opens to allow him to place the stubb in the till …
NM ‘So you can’t open the till to give me the pound refund due to security, but the till has to open to allow you to put the refund stub in?
Asda bloke ‘Yup’, looks at me with a twinkle in his eye and says ‘Minds greater than our’s sir, minds greater than ours’…

There’s almost certainly some utter, utter, buffoon out there, who thinks that his Asda ‘colleagues’ are significantly more ‘secure’ all thanks to his efforts …

Todays score: Darwin 1 Management 0

Appetite for Destruction

Posted in Humour, insurance, life, motoring, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on July 22, 2008 by norvenmunky

Well I think the laydee at the insurance company had had better days.
Always a pleasure to discuss insurance renewals I had a new and wholey unexpected view of customer service earlier.
Nm until recently was the proud owner, well owner, of two cars. Due to an oversight in the maintenance regime I allowed a cam belt to go unreplaced. Clearly theres a good reason for the manufacturer suggesting to replace items at ‘x’ miles, its because if you don’t they break. Well I learnt the lesson the hard way, the cam belt said ‘Goodnight Vienna’ with the resulting sound track of Keith Moon kicking over his drum set and that was that. Well the car went to the scrappy and the DVLA in due course confirmed that the mota was scrapped. Job done or so I thought.

So whats this got to do with the insurance bint? Well I’d paid in full for a year and had a month left to run which I wouldn’t get refunded, so I left it. As Ms Bint was ringing to offer an unbeatable deal for next year, I mentioned that last week it was confirmed broken up and scrapped, so please cancel the insurance its no longer required. This clearly was a bit difficult to understand so I was offered an opportunity for them to re-quote, and to beat any other offer, me being so valued and all …

I said I really did think it would be in our mutual interest to cancel the policy as the car had been scrapped. It went quiet for a second and Ms. Bint clearly spoke to an intellectual superior futher up the food chain at Wedontactuallylisteninsurance.com. You or I would know them as direct line, however a more appropriate name would be ‘missing link’. On her return I was offered to let the insurance run to the end of the term, (Late August). I asked why, and she said the boss had authorised it as I was such a valued punter. I said ok ta v much, may I have a quick word with the ever so generous and thoughtful executive, whom had made this executive descision.

A second later, no ‘Greensleeves’ (TF for that), and I was put through to Mr Fortesque Exceptionally-Dense, who indeed confirmed the details of this exceptional offer, after a brief explanation that I had scrapped the car. Oh I’d also like to report my car damaged I said, Mr F. E-D ‘When did this happen?’, ‘ Oh about three weeks ago’ said I, I know where it is though and its all smashed up, can I claim for it? Mr F. E-D (somewhat sternly now), so why have you left it so late to report? Mr Nm, Well I wanted to make sure it was scrapped, I didn’t realise I could scrap the car and then claim for it, so thats what I’d like to do. Mr F E-D now a clearly a bit annoyed and even sterner ‘Well thats not how the system works, blah blah’ … After his patient explanation I asked him why they wanted to insure a written off car then if I couldn’t claim on it. ‘We don’t!’ he said, Nm ‘Well I think if you check your recording for training purposes, I think you’ll find that Ms Bint and yourself have in fact been offering to do just that, what bit of the car’s been scrapped are you having a problem understanding?’ I queried. Again an invaluable pause followed by ‘So you don’t want to continue with the insurance for the car then?’ No ta, I says, ok he says, ‘tappity tap’ in the background, ok thats sorted, send back your insurance certificate please. Certainly I say, I’ll wait your SAE, I think I may be waiting a while …