Archive for telesales

Technical Support – Is your PC running slowly?

Posted in computer, Darwin Awards, entertainment, Humour, internet, internet shopping, life, media, microsoft, shark feeding, tech support, technical support, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on February 10, 2012 by norvenmunky

I often get these calls and have used a good few versions of annoying them back, seems a fair exchange to me. Mrs NM says ‘Why do you bother? just hang up’. I say well whilst they are trying to rob me, they’re not actually suceeding in robbing anyone else. I often wondered how they knew I was using the ‘puter’ at the time. Well the other day one rang when I wasn’t on the pc, so I kept them talking being ‘thick’ whilst the operator, (usual sub continent audio soundtrack), babbled away in the background. So having checked the PC was turned off and removing the t’interweb cable, I began to play along.

Hello, Is that Mr N. Munkey?
NM: Whose calling?
It’s Microsoft support, we are ringing to offer help is your computer running slow?
‘Yes’, I confirmed my PC was indeed running slow. A slow running PC helps you rather than them. A slow running PC means it takes longer for you to give them a reply, and hence gives you additional thinking time. So what you can do is make tappity tap tap sounds on the keyboard as they give you instructions. When they ask what its showing just say a blank/blue screen or yes the menu is showing, you’ve clicked on it, and you’ve got the cursor hourglass icon just showing spinning revolving etc. Don’t forget to just turn off your computer at the wall, tell them you’ve done it of course, this means any commands they’ve given you are void and they have to start again. Tell them sorry you were only trying to help, thats what you normally do when it runs slow and doesn’t respond. You’ll pick up that they are a bit annoyed now, its the ‘no, no, no,’ when you tell them you’re turning it off thats the give away, but seeing as you are obviously so ‘thick’ they stick with it, you will after all, at the end, be an easy victim.

I managed to keep this going for a good forty five minutes or so the other day, whilst idly flicking through a book doing picture research. The best bit was getting them to call back, the computer running so slowly that they got fed up waiting and said they’d ring back in ten minutes. Give them the added bonus of telling them its running XP, they start salivating like pavlovs dogs at the thought of such an easy crack. Guess what? they do actually call you back. I even managed to get a call to a mate in between, and they called during that conversation, ‘Oh shit I said my daughters just been sick!, call me back in ten I’ve got to see she’s ok’. That worked too. Eventually they gave up up when I said the screen was black and now not responding to anything, even re-starting it on their instruction and hitting F8 as many times as possible, (NB do not touch or follow any commands they give you), and the pc was ‘just making a humming noise with the green light flashing’ at me.

Tell them its the green one, most PC’s have a light somewhere, so it may as well be green and flashing. Oh, its stopped flashing. Having now been escalated to someone who could speak english quite well, (the sharks sensing the blood in the water), ‘Oh, green lights started flashing again’ etc etc, you get the picture, they don’t they’re target fixated now on you. Remember, you’re portraying the ‘Hobosexual’ (Mmmm that musty smell just does it for me …), type of customer who shouldn’t be allowed on the t’interweb without a responsible adult, and clicks on every Jenifer Aniston video link out there, so keep being ‘thick’. He eventually suggested that the PC needed to be taken to a PC shop to be repaired as it was really very, very broken and badly damaged, again emphasising that it was damaged and maybe had a virus in it. ‘Oh, I thought that’s what you were going to do to it’ I said.

Do you know what, that manager who told me he was from Microsoft then told me to ‘###k off’, well I ask you what sort of customer support is that?


Appetite for Destruction

Posted in Humour, insurance, life, motoring, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on July 22, 2008 by norvenmunky

Well I think the laydee at the insurance company had had better days.
Always a pleasure to discuss insurance renewals I had a new and wholey unexpected view of customer service earlier.
Nm until recently was the proud owner, well owner, of two cars. Due to an oversight in the maintenance regime I allowed a cam belt to go unreplaced. Clearly theres a good reason for the manufacturer suggesting to replace items at ‘x’ miles, its because if you don’t they break. Well I learnt the lesson the hard way, the cam belt said ‘Goodnight Vienna’ with the resulting sound track of Keith Moon kicking over his drum set and that was that. Well the car went to the scrappy and the DVLA in due course confirmed that the mota was scrapped. Job done or so I thought.

So whats this got to do with the insurance bint? Well I’d paid in full for a year and had a month left to run which I wouldn’t get refunded, so I left it. As Ms Bint was ringing to offer an unbeatable deal for next year, I mentioned that last week it was confirmed broken up and scrapped, so please cancel the insurance its no longer required. This clearly was a bit difficult to understand so I was offered an opportunity for them to re-quote, and to beat any other offer, me being so valued and all …

I said I really did think it would be in our mutual interest to cancel the policy as the car had been scrapped. It went quiet for a second and Ms. Bint clearly spoke to an intellectual superior futher up the food chain at You or I would know them as direct line, however a more appropriate name would be ‘missing link’. On her return I was offered to let the insurance run to the end of the term, (Late August). I asked why, and she said the boss had authorised it as I was such a valued punter. I said ok ta v much, may I have a quick word with the ever so generous and thoughtful executive, whom had made this executive descision.

A second later, no ‘Greensleeves’ (TF for that), and I was put through to Mr Fortesque Exceptionally-Dense, who indeed confirmed the details of this exceptional offer, after a brief explanation that I had scrapped the car. Oh I’d also like to report my car damaged I said, Mr F. E-D ‘When did this happen?’, ‘ Oh about three weeks ago’ said I, I know where it is though and its all smashed up, can I claim for it? Mr F. E-D (somewhat sternly now), so why have you left it so late to report? Mr Nm, Well I wanted to make sure it was scrapped, I didn’t realise I could scrap the car and then claim for it, so thats what I’d like to do. Mr F E-D now a clearly a bit annoyed and even sterner ‘Well thats not how the system works, blah blah’ … After his patient explanation I asked him why they wanted to insure a written off car then if I couldn’t claim on it. ‘We don’t!’ he said, Nm ‘Well I think if you check your recording for training purposes, I think you’ll find that Ms Bint and yourself have in fact been offering to do just that, what bit of the car’s been scrapped are you having a problem understanding?’ I queried. Again an invaluable pause followed by ‘So you don’t want to continue with the insurance for the car then?’ No ta, I says, ok he says, ‘tappity tap’ in the background, ok thats sorted, send back your insurance certificate please. Certainly I say, I’ll wait your SAE, I think I may be waiting a while …