Archive for tennants

Brown Sugar

Posted in entertainment, Humour, life, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on October 10, 2009 by norvenmunky

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This week we have mostly been training. It’s that time of year that the HR department realises they’ve persuaded enough skilled, really useful people to leave, and they now have to cover the shortfall in ‘skills’. Unfortunately those that leave aren’t the bright sparks (in a transport company), that determine to commemorate the Kings Cross Underground fire, the best way is to have two minutes of silence. The commencement of which, is the sounding of the fire alarm…

Mostly the skills shortages are covered by existing staff, but when your elfin safety, environment, and first aiders leave you have to ‘replace’ them. The replacement of these ‘key personnel’ is a selection process assisted by shift work. You simply allocate someone who’s on a day off, as the nominated ‘volunteer’. Sorted.

Thus when they return from days off they open the HR email cordially inviting them to their ‘First Aiders’ course, and as everyone else is busy they have to attend. This means six hours of ‘Death by Powerpoint’ and WWF status wrestling matches with life sized dummies. These are sometimes referred to as ‘Instructors’. Needless to say the idea here is to get to the pub at dinnertime and sink as many ‘Vitamin T’s’ into the instructor as you can.
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After several coma inducing lectures in the afternoon there’s the bonus 15 minutes of ‘Any Questions’. This is where you get to ask questions on the subject at hand. Now we all know how to play ‘Bullshit Bingo’, but the ideal here is to get the instructor to cover a subject matter that could plausibly occur, in extremis. So, roll the dice on diabetic recovery.

Now the instructor will cover the normal scenarios, not unreasonably. Seeing as you’ve been down the pub, and its a Friday, when they’ve finished, roll the dice again and ask about Rectal Infusion. At this point you’ll hear all the chairs scraping the floor, as everyone positions themselves to be fastest on the draw for pointing at someone else, anyone else frankly, to ‘volunteer’ for the demo.

Now this would be a highly unusual procedure at the best of times, but remember this is work, in extremis, and you’ll be left with a minimum of equipment and choices, especially at 02:00am in the morning. Fortunately we’re next to the engineers section, so it was determined the MEL (Minimum Equipment List), would comprise, 3ft of garden hose, a pair of rubber gloves, a funnel, and a can of Vimto from the drinks machine, for the sugar hit.

Now anyone with a engineering background or an ounce of practical common sense can see how they would fit together, and where. Now the problem with the demo was that in the sniggering at the back of class, a vital part of the MEL was missed. That element was the ‘to’ of Vimto. So, unfortunately, as it turned out, they supplied …

A simple mistake under the ‘five pints’ rule.

Now I’m informed, I hesitate to say reliably, that 330ml of carbonated beverage up your chuff will get your attention, regardless of sugar levels. So, the application of ‘several’ ml, (well it looked about right after five lunchtime pints, you know how it is), of concentrated cleaning solution would also appear to ‘revive’ the recipient. You could tell immediately after application that the reaction, and reduction to 0.5mm diameter accompanied by small children covering their ears, rats and mice running in all directions, and dogs barking was unusual. ‘Do they always whistle like that?’ the instructor was asked, as we all looked away from what appeared to be a full stop in the centre of a very muddy roundabout.
Well, its fair to say that the description of ‘raging homicidal maniac’ seemed somewhat lacklustre to describe the quite rapid personality transformation that occurred within the volunteer. Not only was there a very high pitched whistle accompanying the somewhat vitriolic outburst, he was now belching like a navvy in between the shouting, the gasses having now found the path of least resistance.

Next week, environment, and how to get stubborn monkey stains off your ceiling. I can’t wait …

You’re own worst enemy

Posted in Humour, life, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 26, 2008 by norvenmunky

Vitamin \'T\', yesterday

Yup that time in wee wee hours when you really should be in bed, or working, (you know, filing flight plans, you idle bastards), but find yourself drawn to the quieter corners of the interweb and reading the ‘trivia’ sections of forums.

Here you’ll find the quaintly titled threads, ‘currently drinking’, etc with all the bonhomie of the regular posters, contributing with the same eager desperation as the bloke at the back of the bog queue who’s ‘touching cloth’, and anxiously hopping foot to foot.

So no great surprise to locate a thread entitled, ‘currently inserting’. Having exhausted the ‘listening to’, ‘eating’, ‘drinking’, ‘riding’, ‘watching’, ‘licking’ et al genres, our bold cyber heroes have now found a new sport to amuse themselves with.

Cue the Youchoob vids. Gaggles of strange shirted men, wearing chino trousers all frenetically shaking their cans of ‘Vitamin T’ before the ‘chosen one’ gets to have inserted, forcefully, as far as I could make out, a single 500ml blue bomber. Needless to say this Vitamin ‘T’ enema seems a particularly effective way of cutting out the ‘middle man’ so to speak, no longer do you even have to brave the tinny, Alclad, taste of the yellow muck.

Judging appears to consist of marks for ‘plume’, ‘coverage’, ‘color’, and last but not least, ‘distance’. Its a brave person mind, though clearly a very close friend of the participants, whom has the unenviable task of ‘ring pulling’ from the gaggle of upturned bums, bobbing away like peaches, in a fairground game bucket.  Sou’Wester clad and ducking the plumes of golden foam our chino wearing hero, skillfully weaves his way through the participants. The view from the shoreline looks as though a small but perfectly formed school of Minke Whales, has come up for air, simultaneously venting, as one.

Still the opportunity to get out in the fresh air will be a real treat for some, the usual habitat being a clapped out van, usually a Ford Transit, blacked out windows, with a piss stained mattress and empty beer cans in the back.

That reminds me, it’s nearly half way through the year and Ruke and myself haven’t spent a soiree, in a mountain layby fending off Dolgellau’s resident ‘canine’ experts. We must see to that again soon.

Next week we’ll be back at BAe Dynamics Hatfield, with ‘I’m currently nailing mine to a …’