Archive for tv

2012 G4S and the Account Responsible Senior Executives

Posted in canon g10, Darwin Awards, disruption, entertainment, exhibition, g4s, Humour, insurance, life, London, london 2012, london underground, media, olympic, photography, stratford, technical support, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 14, 2012 by norvenmunky

Well lets face it, its not the first time NM has questioned mathematical abilities upon this very blog. NM’s no great shakes himself, but he does know that if he’s supposed to have five pieces of ‘stuff’ and when he lines his stuff up and counts them, if he’s got a finger or two spare on his left hand he concludes, normally, he needs more ‘stuff’.

G4S is responsible for recruiting, training and managing the security workforce that will be tasked with securing the Games. Originally tasked with supplying 2,000 security staff, in December 2011 they were requested to provide another 8,000 to which they agreed …

According to them:
We’ve been involved for some time already: G4S commenced its security operations for The London Organising Committee of the Olympic and Paralympic Games (LOCOG) in March 2011.
The G4S 2012 Project Team is working closely with customers, stakeholders and industry associations, to maximise on the opportunities and meet the challenges that the 2012 Olympic and Paralympic Games will bring to the UK.

Over to the Chief Exec of G4S, Mr Buckles 14/07/2012:
Despite having signed the initial contract in 2010, Mr Buckles said that he had only realised eight or nine days ago that there would be a shortfall in the numbers. He said G4S agreed to supply 10,000 staff about six months ago and received more than 100,000 applications from people looking for temporary jobs. But the complexities of vetting, recruiting and training applicants meant the company fell behind its targets. Mr Buckles said: “It’s really because of recruiting a large number of people for a very short period of time. It’s getting people to go through the processes which will probably take them three or four weeks of their time to actually get to work for three weeks.

So, Mr Buckles, your starter for ten.
10,000 people x 3 weeks ‘processing’ = 30,000 weeks required.

According to yourselves you started this process in 2010. Assuming January 1st 2010 kick off, thats 132 weeks of ‘processing’ up to doors open available, for cash, (you’re probably familiar with that at least). Roughly you’re looking at ‘processing’ 75 people per week assuming a 7 day week, and no rejects from signing the contract in 2010, So, no alarm bells ringing here, no sir, all happy clappy here, ‘crack on’ etc etc.

So with the new info that someone in G4S worked out that on the 1st Jan 2012 (‘about six months ago’) they had sufficient time, (allowing 3 weeks for processing), to train 312 security people per week, (no rejects remember) to meet their target, no one in your organisation in January thought, Hmmm …

No doubt you readers are now thinking Oi! we don’t want a chuffing maths lesson! Fair enough.

Putting it in Daily Mail speak:
Mr Buckles’ company was faced with:
138 London buses, or
24 ‘jumbo jets’ or
A column of people 59 x the height tall of Nelsons Column (assuming standing on each others shoulders),
Of people to ‘process’ sucessfully in six months.

At what point did this not ring alarm bells? Answer: Up until eight days ago apparently …

Mr Buckles:
Of course we knew that, so we’re not saying that’s an excuse, but clearly that’s what’s happened.”
Mr Buckles insisted the company had kept both the government and Locog fully informed about the difficulties, saying: “We have been sharing information every day with our customer and together with the Home Office we agreed last Thursday that it was a good decision for them to ask for more troops.”

NM suspects that what actually happened was the G4S assorted red nosed, propellor tie and large shoe wearing number management types, (Account Responsible Senior Executives) were found out. Up until a week or so ago, G4S was sharing the information every day with their customer that they were ‘on target’, building a solid clicks and mortar platform for olympic security. And then someone said , Hang on, remind me when it starts? The 27th?, ah, thats ok then. Oh you mean this month?… Oh Bollocks!

It’s not the first time NM has seen the effect of ‘transforming real-time supply chains’. This occurs when you’ve not got enough ‘stuff’ and you have to ‘deliver killer content’. That means putting your hand up early and saying Sir, Please sir, We’ve not got enough stuff sir!. Thats real killer content, not your ‘happy clappy, no elephant squatting in the corner here’ mindset.

NM’s curious about the ‘processing’ involved too. NM has to deal with G4S on a daily basis. We check a telephone line, they ring first and ask NM to call back on the dedicated line. NM does this, and before he says anything the receiver states yes ‘thats lound and clear’, and the phone is put down. NM then puts the phone down having said nuffink.

What they really mean is the bell works.

However, we have no idea if the phone actually works.

Clearly, G4S leads from the top …

Do the Maths …

Posted in air traffic control, atc, baa, bbc, Darwin Awards, disruption, entertainment, environment, Humour, life, media, simon calder, snow, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 13, 2011 by norvenmunky

It’s been an interesting couple of weeks, apparently the UK’s MP’s have come to the conclusion that the UK now needs a ‘Snow Supremo’ because its mid May and someone in accounts has just knocked the calender over, it falling open at ‘December’. This group of MP’s examined the impact of heavy snow last December which shut Heathrow, Gatwick and major train lines, and left roads impassable. There’s an inevitability here that a load of people have sat around a table listening to people who don’t have a simple grasp of maths, talking to people who don’t have a grasp of maths. You rapidly come to the conclusion that we’d learn more factual and useful information if we’d paid them to sit around lighting and analysing their own farts. Don’t get me wrong re mathematical ability, despite my current employ, I was labelled early on as ‘Suitable for Parks and Gardens’. In retrospect it may have been an extremely astute careers teacher who thought, ‘this ones trouble’ keep him outside in the shit, rather than inside creating it, alternatively, they may have been as thick as pig muck. I know where my vote is.
We all know there are known knowns as Mr Rumsfeld would have us believe. For simplicity there are various impirical measures that we use, and we all understand what they mean as we can all relate to the sizes quoted. They are in no particular order, london bus, Wales, jumbo jet. These are helpfully rolled out by our ‘meejah mates’ so we, as simple folk can understand whats going on. Unfortunately our ‘meejah mates’ don’t stop to think about how to use the cumulative drivel they are seeping into the nations subconcious to provide a more ballanced outlook on life.

So lets look at out ‘stressed passenger’ at the airport that has just closed in heavy snow. Apparently airlines must give accurate information about delays out to the passenger and provide acommodation etc etc. So assume we’re on RyanJet, a low cost airline flying 150 seat airliners. Today we’re lucky all the aircraft are only 2/3rds full with 100 punters per flight. We are however at a busy single runway airport with 30 movements per hour. That means every two minutes an aeroplane departs. We won’t bother with arrivals it’ll get too messy, we’ll assume its the first wave banzai charge of the morning thats been culled. Unfortunately we are at the back of the queue of those wanting info. So in front of us we have 30 x 100 passengers all wanting information they can bellow into their crackberries that they’re ‘at the airport’. Thats 3,000 people/6 x jumbo jets/53.57 x london busses of people all in front of us. We have ten check in desks available to help answer our questions. Thats 300 people/5.3 london busses, per bint per desk. Fortunately all the bints are as fast/helpful as the legendary Jane Boulton and either answer the query or shoot the passenger dead within one minute of them arriving at the front of the queue. So at the back of the queue we will be waiting ‘a while’ before we get seen or shot individually.

So one aggrieved passenger suggests …
Major airports and stations should have accommodation reserved for when people are stranded, and food in place.

Ok, Mrs Thickass-Hite at the back of the queue, lets look at the Abiss Hotel in Luton. 162 rooms, (we’ll assume they’re all doubles). That means one hotel can accomodate one queue each (for cash). So the airport/airline has to book for Mrs TS (in case it snows), ten entire hotels in the vicinity of the airport, just for one hours worth of departures at two thirds airframe capacity. For the benefit of Mrs TS that assumes they are fortuitously empty on that particular day, and that as if by magic, when it pisses down with snow, not one other non-airline traveller in the vicinity of the airport is going to consider booking into a hotel overnight because the weathers bad. Also no doubt she’ll want a personal taxi to the pre-booked hotel, or a coach, and she’ll insist on being at the front of the queue. Course with the snow falling and the roads a bit ‘busy’ you’ll be at any of the ‘pre-booked just in case and cost not passed on to you in increased ticket price hotels’, in a matter of minutes inside the taxi or coach that would have been doing nothing at that time of the morning anyway.

An 'empty' hotel car park

Then there’s clearing the snow at airports. The most important thing is to get the runway clear, then you can land an aeroplane. And thats it, thats all you can do, because you haven’t cleared the taxiway or parking stand. Until you do that you’re cattled. Lets look at those times. The runway is 2,000 metres long x 50 metres wide. Your snow plough is 10 metres wide and can plough at 10kmh. So if the snow has stopped falling enough to allow the runway to remain clear after each pass, that’s an hour just to do the runway before you start on the parking stand and taxiways. Oh and the service roads because you’ll need to put fuel in the plane and food water etc etc, and no, you can’t use salt. One thing missing is the shamen whom are able to tell us exactly how much snow will fall, and where, and when it will stop, not terribly surprising the comittee didn’t find one either. So if you’re a punter at the end of the second hours worth of booking in/flights … well do the maths, and ask Simon Calder to do them too while you’re at it, then he can talk a little less drivel than normal …

Hoovering Slugs

Posted in Humour, life, pets, Uncategorized with tags , , , on April 18, 2009 by norvenmunky
Oovah Killa

Oova Killa

Now, most of NM’s readers will be thinking what album has he dredged that title up from? Well you can check all your albums, but I’m fairly certain that even in the depths of Jonesy’s renowned ‘Prog Rock’ collection there isn’t, a ‘Hoovering Slugs’ track.

Now, I know its not two words you’d normally expect to find in the same sentence, but blokes, will already be curious at just the title, and I can see the thought patterns already developing, ‘I wonder if you can …’ etc etc. Wimmin will needlessly have passed it by thinking ‘that’s just stupid’.

Well NM has been left as ‘OIC’ NM Villa, for a couple of days as the gerls lay seige to the wastes of Norven Norfumberland. NM has of course been given his usual instructions, and ROE.
A/ Feed Rabbit.
B/ Don’t Kill It.
C/ Keep The House Tidy.
D/ Don’t Kill The Rabbit.
E/ Bring The Rabbit in at night.
F/ Don’t Kill The Rabbit.
G/ Ring Me If There’s Any Problems
H/ I Can’t Remember If I’ve Mentioned It, But Don’t Kill The Rabbit.

Now all this is relatively straightforward, all I have to do is not kill the rabbit, and feed it. Oh, and keep the ‘drum’, ‘tidy’. Tidy of course, is open to interpretation. The rabbit is officially a ‘hard bastard’, next week it’s got an hours worth of prime time on SKY+1 TV’s ‘UK’s Hardest Rabbits’, It’s the programme right after the 45 minute special ‘Fern Brittain, Follows Through’.

‘UK’s Hardest Rabbits’, is a show where an ‘L’ list hard man celeb, parades around various hutches interviewing nutter rabbits, using an ‘east end’ mockney eshdury accent. At the end of the show he goes all moist eyed, as the rabbit donates a half chewed carrot as a memento of ‘Vair time twogevva’. Anyway, capturing said rabbit usually involves more swearing than reviving a half naked unconcious airline ops occifer, face down in an Amsterdam hotel bedroom, having ‘passed out’ watching ‘telly’. The only minor benefit being the rabbit isn’t likely to take your eye out when you roll it over.

Having eventually trapped said rabbit, and brought it into the kitchen prior to releasing it to its ‘indoor quarters’ in the conservatory. NM realises that the assorted hay, grass, rabbit shite, and a tiny, tiny slug about 1.5cm in length, strewn across the rug, will likely end up in a ‘My Office, Your Hat!’ type interview with Mrs NM if its not sorted. Fortuitously (theoretically) there’s a Hoover standing in the corner of the conservatory. That’ll do to clean up, NM thinks, in a lucid, alchohol free, bloke, type moment. Now, the ‘cleaning’ starts, small bits of grass, hay, rabbit pooh all easily dissapear from NM’s gaze as the Hoover relentlessly churns its way across the rug. Suddenly, the slug catches NM’s eye. It’s tiny, (1.5cm), that’ll go up, spiders, small stones do etc. Blokes can see the logic can’t you? Blokes are nodding, wimmin are saying, ‘No’. ‘You’d hoover a stone or a spider, but never, a slug’. Well, Mr Hoovers products are very good, ssschlooopp, and, as if by magic, the slug has gone, ‘Yay!’, none of that paper, prod, poke, throw out the door shite for me!, sorted! Carry on, only a foot or so left.

Well, that last foot may as well have been Captain Oates’ last walk. The Hoover indeed took its time, about 15 secs or so and it started to whine, worse, than a Chilean red. There was a wisp of smoke, and a smell of burning that had NM retching, staggering, to reach the ‘OFF’ button.
Now, I have no idea why slugs don’t ‘hoover’, small insects will, small stones, screw’s, nails etc. etc. will, but slugs, don’t.
Ask a lady friend:
‘Would you hoover a spider/stone/screw?’
Answer, ‘Yes’.
Ask them ‘Would you hoover a tiny tiny slug?’
Answer, ‘No’

Fellow blokes, take this as an advanced warning. I now have to explain why the previously servicable Hoover, isn’t. I also have to provide a plausible reason as to why I ever thought that hoovering a slug, was ever, ever, a good idea.

The really, really, bad news is that the rabbits female, and afterwards, on bringing her into the conservatory, she sniffed the air and gave me a look that said:
‘WTF have you been up to? Hoovering slugs or summink?’

Lads, I need your help …

You’re own worst enemy

Posted in Humour, life, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 26, 2008 by norvenmunky

Vitamin \'T\', yesterday

Yup that time in wee wee hours when you really should be in bed, or working, (you know, filing flight plans, you idle bastards), but find yourself drawn to the quieter corners of the interweb and reading the ‘trivia’ sections of forums.

Here you’ll find the quaintly titled threads, ‘currently drinking’, etc with all the bonhomie of the regular posters, contributing with the same eager desperation as the bloke at the back of the bog queue who’s ‘touching cloth’, and anxiously hopping foot to foot.

So no great surprise to locate a thread entitled, ‘currently inserting’. Having exhausted the ‘listening to’, ‘eating’, ‘drinking’, ‘riding’, ‘watching’, ‘licking’ et al genres, our bold cyber heroes have now found a new sport to amuse themselves with.

Cue the Youchoob vids. Gaggles of strange shirted men, wearing chino trousers all frenetically shaking their cans of ‘Vitamin T’ before the ‘chosen one’ gets to have inserted, forcefully, as far as I could make out, a single 500ml blue bomber. Needless to say this Vitamin ‘T’ enema seems a particularly effective way of cutting out the ‘middle man’ so to speak, no longer do you even have to brave the tinny, Alclad, taste of the yellow muck.

Judging appears to consist of marks for ‘plume’, ‘coverage’, ‘color’, and last but not least, ‘distance’. Its a brave person mind, though clearly a very close friend of the participants, whom has the unenviable task of ‘ring pulling’ from the gaggle of upturned bums, bobbing away like peaches, in a fairground game bucket.  Sou’Wester clad and ducking the plumes of golden foam our chino wearing hero, skillfully weaves his way through the participants. The view from the shoreline looks as though a small but perfectly formed school of Minke Whales, has come up for air, simultaneously venting, as one.

Still the opportunity to get out in the fresh air will be a real treat for some, the usual habitat being a clapped out van, usually a Ford Transit, blacked out windows, with a piss stained mattress and empty beer cans in the back.

That reminds me, it’s nearly half way through the year and Ruke and myself haven’t spent a soiree, in a mountain layby fending off Dolgellau’s resident ‘canine’ experts. We must see to that again soon.

Next week we’ll be back at BAe Dynamics Hatfield, with ‘I’m currently nailing mine to a …’

 

Business as usual

Posted in Humour, life, modelling, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on March 16, 2008 by norvenmunky

Indeed the latest frenzy of forum sleb’s makes me wonder if we’ll see a revised form of TV game show ‘Forum fishing’. In this crack, new,  game show, the two nominated hobby ‘slebs’ go to an exhibition with the suckiest, most enthusiastic, of the forum feeders, contestants. The cam follows them around the show where the ‘slebs’ can show their knowledge and social skills as they parade, unhindered by backpack wearing stoats, through the ailles between the layouts, trade and demo’s. They’re stalked, accompanied by the three players, who have to hang on every word as they will form the later questions. The contestants get time to eat with their muses, heroes,  feasting on the delights of exhibition catering, before the ‘show’ begins. The contestants of course are kept a respectable distance away, so as not to indulge in any unhinged, faux-seductive moves, on their victims, of the type tried in nightclubs by pissed stoats in a misguided attempt to secure some floor sweepings before the ugly lights come on.

At the appointed hour the forum will open with an on-line vid cam interview, free of charge of course, coz the nets free innit? Dan Winterland, our ever genial host will provide the link between our ‘slebs’ and players, knowing full well the indolent quarry of the audience will be at home covered in Aphrodite’s evostick, having been surfing advertisements for limited edition ‘releases’ on the shit pump.

Our ‘game’ contestants then, each issued with an elbow length Marigold and half tin of Swarfega, are sat next to a box, not unlike a confessional cubicle, with the ‘sleb’ one side,  prepared to be the wheelbarrow, rather than the earthy chap pushing it from behind, and on the other, in arm’s reach, the players. Each get their chance to identify the ‘sleb’, by searching  for familiar exhibition fare, whilst gurning and muttering under their breath. Detailed, timed questions, relayed expertly by Dan on the ‘slebs’ specialist subject are asked, meanwhilst the players attempt to expertly shovel the steaming dung, (with their free hand), into a bucket.

Prizes will include, amongst other goodies, replacement watches.